I like parties but I don't like piñatas because they promote violence against flambouyant animals... 'hey there's a donkey with some pizazz.. let's kick his ass!'
I was in a card store the other day and it had 'Get Well Soon' greeting cards.. fuck that... get well now.
I'm excited because I got these new pajama pants with pockets, which is good because before I used to have to hold stuff while I was sleeping but now I can I just reach into my pocket like, 'where's my planner *reaches in pocket*..."keep sleeping".. all right.'
When you have a fat friend there are no seesaws, only catapults.
I like that 'I can't believe it's not butter' because when I'm having toast I like to be incredulous... 'how was breakfast?'...'unbelievable!'
I bought a cactus a while ago, but then a week later it died and it got me real depressed, because I was like damn, I'm less nurturing than a desert... ladies, that's not true.
I noticed there are no B batteries, and I think that is to avoid confusion because if there were, you wouldn't know when someone was stuttering.. 'yes, I would some B batteries.'... 'what kind?'... 'B batteries!'
I find it interesting that cologne rhymes with alone.
you know people say drunk drivers are dangerous, but I believe drunk back-seat drivers can be dangerous too, if they're persuasive.. 'dude, take a left.'... 'those are trees, man.'.... 'trust me...'
I don't like the word 'banana' because I never know when to end it.. 'bana... nope, keep going.... bananana.. damn!'
I always keep a lighter in my back pocket, I am a smoker but that's not why, I just really like certain songs.
I wonder what the smartest thing was that anyone said that started with the word 'dude'...'dude, these are isotopes.'.. 'dude, we removed your kidney, you're going to be fine.'... 'dude, I am so stocked to win this Nobel prize, I just want to thank Kevin, Turtle and all my homies.'
Swimming is a very confusing sport to me because sometimes you're doing it for fun but other times you're doing it to not die, so I go by the outfit.. 'pants... uh-oh.' ... 'bathing suit, all right.'... 'naked... we'll see.' should I start swimming faster, or am I getting laid?
'sort of' is such a harmless saying, it's just a filler, it doesn't really mean anything, but after certain words it means everything like 'I love you' or 'you're going to live.'